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Archive for the 'Humor' Category


Let’s Be Brutally Honest About Pattern Difficulty Levels by Franklin Habit

October 6th, 2015

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franklin_400x400Writer, illustrator, and knitter Franklin Habit joins us for his monthly column featuring humor and insights into a yarncrafter’s life.

While the emergence of the global online needlework community has undoubtedly been a boon in many ways, for the designer of patterns it is a mixed bag. The sort of mixed bag in which candy corn and miniature chocolate bars mingle with rusty scissors and angry cats. Reach in at your peril.

Answering questions about one’s patterns can be a frightful drain on one’s time, particularly the eternal and ceaseless query, “How difficult is this pattern? Is this pattern too difficult for the likes of me?”.

Publishers have tried to head off this question in the past with various arrays of stars and adjectives, with little success. Why? They leave too much unspoken. How spacious, exactly, is the distance between two stars and four stars? “Easy” for whom?

I shall attempt to pour calming oil upon these bouncy waters with the following verbose and infallible explanation of the most commonly encountered grading system. Where it enters, confusion vanishes. I have no doubt that universal adoption will be swiftly forthcoming.

When, in consequence, my monument is built in the village square, let it be known that I am more partial to bronze than marble. The latter is too easily damaged by pigeons.

Thank you.

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Utterly mindless. Requires no skills of any kind. In fact, it finished itself before you reached the end of this sentence.

 

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Requires rudimentary skills and at most a minimal attention span. It will take less effort to complete this project than it will to post a shot of it on Instagram.

 

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A challenge of modest proportions. It will take a couple of hours to knock out, yes; but you can watch an “Outlander” marathon while you do it.

 

 

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Difficult enough that the naughty bits of “Outlander” will probably prove too distracting. Consider instead a few episodes of “Gilligan’s Island,” “The Brady Bunch,” or equivalent selections from the oeuvre of Sherwood Schwartz.

 

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Turn off the television. Are you listening to me? I said turn it off. No, you may not wait until you find out if they get off the island. They never get off the island. Well, not until the sequels. Stop arguing with me. Are you going to buckle down and focus, or not? Do I need to send you to your room?

 

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If you have coffee, drink it now.

 

 

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No television. Much coffee. And send the rest of the household to the movies. Failing that, lock yourself in the attic. Better still, lock the rest of the household in the attic.

 

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Are you ambidextrous? Double-jointed? With a keen sense of balance?

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I strongly urge you to reconsider what you are about to do.

 

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Expectant mothers should not ride.

 

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I’m not absolutely certain our insurance covers this.

 

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You’re going to need these.

 

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With smaller needles, cast on x=[2/SEC(¶/3)•[lim x→0 x^3+8x+10]^2]/[lim θ→0 sinθ/θ] stitches. Join to work in the round, being careful not to twist.

 

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I wash my hands of you.

—–
Writer, illustrator, and photographer Franklin Habit is the author of It Itches: A Stash of Knitting Cartoons (Interweave Press, 2008–now in its third printing) and proprietor of The Panopticon (the-panopticon.blogspot.com), one of the most popular knitting blogs on Internet. On an average day, upwards of 2,500 readers worldwide drop in for a mix of essays, cartoons, and the continuing adventures of Dolores the Sheep. Franklin’s other publishing experience in the fiber world includes contributions to Vogue Knitting, Yarn Market News, Interweave Knits, Interweave Crochet, PieceWork, Cast On: A Podcast for Knitters, Twist Collective, and a regular column on historic knitting patterns for Knitty.com.

These days, Franklin knits and spins in Chicago, Illinois, sharing a small city apartment with a Schacht spinning wheel and colony of sock yarn that multiplies alarmingly whenever his back is turned.


Lola Gets Some Good Advice from David Babcock, The Knitting Runner

October 2nd, 2015

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Here is the latest installment of Lola, from its creator Todd Clark.

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Please donate $10 to the Alzheimer’s Association in support of David Babcock’s upcoming New York City Marathon race. If every Notebook reader gives just $10, we’ll reach our goal of $3500 before the race!

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If only Lola had some catnip cream cheese …

September 18th, 2015

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Here is the latest installment of Lola, from its creator Todd Clark.

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Knit Pretty Kitty Bed Knit Prospect Park Pretzel Cat Toy Crochet Curl-Up Kitty Cat Bed Crochet Kent Street Bagel Cat Toy
Knit Pretty Kitty Bed — Made with Hometown USA® Knit Prospect Park Pretzel Cat Toy — Made with Vanna’s Choice® Crochet Curl-Up Kitty Cat Bed — Made with Hometown USA® Crochet Kent Street Bagel Cat Toy — Made with Vanna’s Choice®

For more great pet patterns, visit PatternFinder.

*** *** ***

Subscribe to The Weekly Stitch Newsletter

Get a FREE weekly email featuring patterns, articles and special offers. As a bonus for subscribing, we’d like to offer you 15% off your first order! *

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Lola gets ready for a last blast of summer, but she can’t please everyone …

September 4th, 2015

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Here is the latest installment of Lola, from its creator Todd Clark.

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Crochet Coney Island Frank Dog Toy Knit Prospect Park Pretzel Cat Toy Crochet Red Hook Cheeseburger Dog Toy Crochet Kent Street Bagel Cat Toy
Crochet Coney Island Frank Dog Toy — Made with Vanna’s Choice® Knit Prospect Park Pretzel Cat Toy — Made with Vanna’s Choice® Crochet Red Hook Cheeseburger Dog Toy — Made with Vanna’s Choice® Crochet Kent Street Bagel Cat Toy — Made with Vanna’s Choice®

For more great pet patterns, visit PatternFinder.

*** *** ***

Subscribe to The Weekly Stitch Newsletter

Get a FREE weekly email featuring patterns, articles and special offers. As a bonus for subscribing, we’d like to offer you 15% off your first order! *

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Party Trick by Franklin Habit

September 1st, 2015

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franklin_400x400Writer, illustrator, and knitter Franklin Habit joins us for his monthly column featuring humor and insights into a yarncrafter’s life.

I have learned from experience that the best way to respond when a stranger at a party asks me, “So, what do you do for a living?” is to start a small fire, then run away while everyone is distracted.

I teach knitting for a living. Most folks are not prepared to hear that an ostensibly grown man spends his days teaching knitting.  It smacks of frivolity. There is always an awkward pause, lasting anywhere from five seconds to an hour, during which we stand blinking until the follow-up question.

“What?”

It all, as Hannibal said from the top of the Alps, goes downhill from here.

Occasionally one of the guests turns hyperenthusiastic and begins spreading word of my vocation through the room. “Listen to this, Maude,” he says. “Listen, this guy–you’ll never believe it–this guy teaches people to knit. To knit!”

“What?” says Maude.

“To knit!”

“What?” says Maude.

He then, without setting down his gin and tonic, mimes “knitting” by wiggling his fists in proximity. It looks less like knitting than snapping the neck of a prairie dog, but never mind. Maude has caught on.

“Isn’t that something!” says Maude. “Hester, listen to this!”

(more…)

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